Sometimes, you can't help it
by DarlingDaughterJam
Summary: Riku was in love with Sora. Sora was straight. Roxas was alone. Roxas was broken. Riku needed a distraction. Riku could pretend. It's a shame that they hate each other. Oneshot. Read and find out what happens.


This is a oneshot I wrote a rather long time ago. I just found it a couple days ago, and thought I'd post it. :) I do not own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

"Go away, I hate you!" Roxas shouted, running off into the dark night.

"C'mon! C'mon, Roxas!" The silver haired male replied.

It wasn't exactly _fair, _but when Sora rejected Riku, there was avoiding it. It was meant to happen, it would happen, there was nothing either could fix or change. Riku was _there_, Roxas was _alone_. Sora was _strai_ght_, _Roxas was his _brother_.

Born a mere two minutes after Sora, an inch taller, and with the exact same blue eyes, Riku could pretend. The thing was, Roxas was _blonde_, where Sora had that beautiful, brunette shade.

Riku could never pretend about that damned blonde hair, because it was quite possibly the only thing that was 'Roxas' that Riku loved. He couldn't help it.

The rest of Roxas' appearance could be found in Sora, which Riku was grateful, yet _not _grateful for. Some of his personality, but not all, Sora possessed as well. However, those were only the things that he _liked_.

There were at least a hundred things that Riku hated. He could go on and on about it, but there were only a few that stood out.

* * *

**1. Stubbornness**

* * *

The first time that Riku had met Roxas, he was in the middle of fighting with Sora, whom Riku had loved when he first laid eyes on him. The argument was something about food, which was extremely ridiculous as Riku recalled. He couldn't remember exactly all the details, but Roxas had won and Sora had cried.

Riku couldn't stand watching Sora cry, even when he hadn't known the brunette boy's name. He ran to his aid, glaring at the blonde.

_'What's your deal? You didn't have to make him cry.'_

_'Yeah, well, who the hell are you? Mind your own business__.'_

Riku had Sora smiling by the end of the hour, and he was sure that he was in love.

* * *

**2. Bitchiness**

* * *

Roxas was a bitch. Everyone who had even seen the way that Roxas acted when he was angry would understand. Riku could say it easily, and he had, many times.

_'Roxas, you're a bitch.'_

Just like that.

The third or fourth time that the two had had an encounter of sorts, it was at the mall. Roxas had gotten into an argument with another teen, and they were calling lots of attention. Obscenity after obscenity, and quite a few hits into the fight, Riku decided that there was nothing to gain from watching a stubborn and moody blonde, that he already disliked enough as it was, fight with some troublemaker. He took that back later, he was almost sure that Roxas had started it.

An hour later, Riku just so happened to walk into the bathroom in time to see Roxas' revenge. The blonde stood there, sharpie in hand, writing a phone number and something about a 'good time' on the wall.

He didn't know why, but it had really pissed Riku off. How could one brat be _that _immature?

* * *

**3. Emo-ness**

* * *

Riku hated this specific aspect for different reasons than the first. A reason so shocking, even Riku himself couldn't believe these feelings.

Try as he might to pass it off as hate for those seeking attention, he could not deny this.

He hated Roxas' 'emo-ness', because Roxas was his. Despite the lies that both boys spat into the relationship, Riku had it live with it.

Riku had fallen in love with _Roxas_.

Riku also _couldn't stand it_.

Biting a lip, he'd scowl at the cuts all along Roxas' arms. He'd tell him over and over again to stop begging for attention, to stop harming himself for absolutely _no reason at all_.

He would punish the blonde at the sight of his self-abuse, and reward him when he found clean, or as clean as it ever could be thanks to Roxas' will for pain, skin.

_'Roxas, you have to stop doing this to yourself.'_

_'What do you care, Riku? It's my body.'_

But either way, in the end, Riku would kiss all of the scars and the marks better. Roxas loved that.

* * *

Roxas could talk all day about how he absolutely, most certainly _hated_ Riku. He would say how he couldn't stand his _annoyingly _long hair. He would say that he absolutely _couldn't stand _his _cool, laid back_ personality. He would even go so far as to say he hated how hard Riku strives to put up with their relationship.

They both suffered, really. Roxas would never say _that_, though.

However, Roxas couldn't tell you what he found in the boy that made him _love _Riku. Maybe it was the way his lips curved into a subconscious smile when he rambled. That was only on their good days, though. Maybe it was the way that Riku took away the _hurt_ that a certain red-headed ex-boyfriend had left him with.

And _God_, was he good at that.

If he wasn't, Roxas wouldn't have found any point in dating the boy.

Roxas hated one thing about Riku above all else, and it drove him crazy.

He hated how he was being _used_.

Yes, he knew Riku wanted _Sora_, not him. That is was because of _Sora_ that they were together. Although, he secretly _thanked _Sora for being straight. There would be no way to survive without Riku.

On multiple occasions, Roxas would ask; _"Hey Riku, who do you _really _love?"_

Riku would ignore the question, and place a subtle kiss on the blonde's lips. Roxas would forget, because Roxas basked in those kisses. They were _his_. He _loved_ it when Riku was kissing _him_, instead of _Sora_. No matter how faked their passion was, Roxas knew _those_ kisses were real. Riku wanted to shut _Roxas_ up, not _Sora_. They were meant for _him_, not his _brother_. That's why Roxas kept asking, even though he _knew_ that Riku couldn't stand it.

* * *

Riku hated it when Roxas asked that question. At first, the hate came from the fact that he _knew_ the answer. His heart broke at the thought.

_"Hey Riku, who do you _really _love?"_

'Sora.' was Riku's immediate thought. _Sora_ was who he was in love with. Roxas was... Roxas was the one who filled the empty spaces. Although, trying something such as that was a bad idea.

_Sora_ was the answer for a very long time. An entire year, just about. Riku never doubted it throughout that time.

So instead of answering, Riku'd place a small kiss on the blonde's soft lips. Roxas would kiss back, and everything would be okay... for the time being, anyway. An hour or so later, a fight always followed. The left over tension from the unanswered question built up, even though they both knew that Roxas didn't want the answer, and Riku didn't want to _say_ it. He was such a coward. He knew it, Roxas knew it... it was just another unavoidable heartbreak, that they _both_ felt each time. Roxas sometimes regretted. Only _sometimes_.

And then, when the effect of rejection had finally left him, when something like _recovery_ began to replace the pain, Riku hated the question for a different reason. This was due to the overflow of emotions erupting in Riku's heart.

_"Hey Riku, who do you _really_ love?"_

_'I don't know..'_ was Riku's opinion.

Riku would kiss Roxas, as he always had before, because he didn't want to decide.

A couple months is what it took for Riku to finally understand what Roxas meant to him. And this made Riku hate the question, hate _Roxas_, more than ever.

_"Hey Riku, who do you _really_ love?"_

_'Roxas.' _

Riku didn't want to admit that. He wasn't quite ready to let go of that part of him that still ached, that still screamed _'SORA!'_. Even if that part of him had changed too. Riku could not, _would not_, tell Roxas he loved him.

So, he would take the blonde into his arms, and kiss him. It was all because he didn't want to say that name, that name that reminded him of the other, the name that had replaced what once was.

_'Roxas..'_

All in all; he hated the question, because he hated the answer.

* * *

"Hey Riku, who do you _really_ love?" the blonde teen asked, flipping through the channels casually.

It was a normal afternoon, the two of them sitting on the couch in Riku's apartment, trying to act like a normal couple. Just another day spent, _wasted_, watching t.v and lounging around.

Riku looked away in response to Roxas' answer, which most certainly _wasn't_ casual or normal. Not at all, and it worried Roxas. Roxas sat up, penetrating Riku with his ocean blue eyes. He repeated the question;

"Riku? Who _do_ you love, Riku?"

Emotions hitting him from all sides, Riku didn't know what to say. He was tired of this game, tired of hurting Roxas. In fact, he couldn't _stand_ hurting Roxas. What was he going to do?

And, what happened to _faking it_? What happened to _Sora_?

Roxas. That's what happened.

Riku could not explain himself or his feelings. He could not stop the hurt. He knew that if he stayed like that any longer, tears would come. His stoic demeanor would not last as long as he hoped it would.

Riku was so tired of the _lie_.

Roxas _misunderstood_.

The blonde boy stood up angrily, glaring at the boy. His ocean eyes were frozen over with detest and just pure _anger_.

"Riku..."

"What?" The silver haired elder responded almost immediately.

Fresh an shocking, a hot _'smack'_ landed across Riku's face. Roxas' hand had moved without his command, and before Roxas could take it back, before he could think, he ran out of the apartment building and into the hall.

"Roxas!" Riku called, jumping to his feet and taking off after Roxas. He _could not_ lose him. He was all that he had left.

**"I hate you. Go away!"** The blonde shouted.

He stumbled, fallowing Roxas down the steep stairs quickly. This was not the time for tripping, as he had done many times before on those stairs.

"C'mon! C'mon, Roxas!" Riku yelled, never stopping as his world ran from him, slipping out of reach.

"No! I was stupid! You're in love with my _brother_!"

Roxas pushed the heavy lobby doors open, running into the cool air of the city streets. He was done pretending with Riku. He was done with the hurt, the hate, the _unhappiness_. Although, he didn't know what the next move would be. Maybe he'd kill himself.

Yeah.. That sounded so good to Roxas.

"Roxas!"

Riku followed after him, praying that the blonde wouldn't do anything stupid. Cold hair stung Riku's arms, he wasn't dressed for the cold, late hour. He wrapped his arms around himself, cold breath following every sentence. It was as if his soul was slipping away from him as well.

If Roxas left, Riku decided he'd have no need for a soul.

"Roxas, come back!"

A little ways away, the blonde stopped running and turned around.

"Why should I?" He asked, the pain obvious.

"Because... Because you don't know the _truth_, Rox!"

Roxas halted, froze, _died_ in his stance. What could Riku possibly mean, him not knowing the truth? He knew enough. He knew Riku loved Sora, and he _knew_ he'd never _be_ Sora. There was nothing he could do about it.

"What're you saying, Riku?" He asked, gulping back the fear and pain. "What don't I know?"

Riku tentatively took another step closer. He hoped that Roxas wouldn't run, he _had_ to tell him. There was no time better.

"Roxas..." He began. "Ask...ask again."

Riku nodded. Yes, he'd do it. There was no backing out now. Roxas had a right to know. Confusion took Roxas' beautiful blue eyes, his expression in all. And then he understood. He tried the words on for measure, trying to figure out what exactly he was going to hear in the next few minutes.

"Hey Riku... Who do you love.. who do you _really_ love?" He asked, choking back the tears that wanted to break through so badly at that moment.

Riku took a deep breath, and answered.

"You, Roxas. I'm... I'm in love with _you_."

For the first time, Riku ran to the blonde and kissed him, out of pure love. It was love and light, purity and gratefulness, all wrapped into one. It was everything that wanted, _needed_, so desperately.

Roxas kissed back.

Together, their verisimilar love died.

Together, real love took its place.

They pulled away, smiling and in tears, and held hands. Walking back into Riku's apartment, they could finally be happy.

~End~

* * *

**I was greatly inspired to write this fanfic by the song "Hey Now" by Augustana. It's amazing, and absolutely beautiful. You should most definitely listen to it, if you haven't. :) Let me know what you think of the oneshot. **


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